In my work, clients often mention finding it hard to express their true feelings with colleagues, family members or friends. They struggle with difficult conversations because they don’t want to hurt others, or they don’t feel comfortable raising issues as they feel it could lead to conflict in the relationship. But this means important conversations get avoided, resentment builds up, and relationships suffer.
What if I told you there’s a proven communication technique that can help you navigate challenging conversations while strengthening relationships? Non-violent Communication (NVC) is a really helpful tool that I encourage my clients to use. I must admit thought that I’m not a fan of the name.
What is non-violent communication? The 4 step framework for better relationships
Non-Violent Communication is a communication approach that emphasises understanding, and compassion in our interactions. Rather than trying to win an argument or prove we’re right, NVC focuses on creating genuine connection and mutual respect. It’s about identifying and expressing our feelings and needs without blame, judgement, or criticism.
The beauty of NVC is that instead of conversations that leave people feeling defensive or hurt, you improve mutual understanding and strengthen relationships.
The four steps of NVC
NVC involves four key components that work together to create more compassionate and effective communication:
- Observations – This means stating what actually happened without adding your interpretation or evaluation. Instead of saying “You’re always interrupting me,” you might say “I noticed that you spoke while I was mid-sentence three times in our meeting.”
- Feelings – Here you express your emotions without assigning blame to the other person. Rather than “You make me angry,” try “I feel frustrated when this happens.”
- Needs – This is perhaps the hardest part. Try to identify what’s really driving your feelings. What underlying need isn’t being met? Perhaps you need respect, understanding, or collaboration.
- Requests – Finally, you ask clearly and specifically for what would make things better. The key here is to frame your request positively – what you want to happen, not what you don’t want.
Why NVC works so well
What makes NVC particularly powerful is that it removes the threat from difficult conversations. When we approach someone with blame or criticism, their natural response is to become defensive. But when we share our observations, feelings, and needs without judgement, people are much more likely to listen and respond with empathy.
NVC also helps us get to the heart of what’s really going on. Often, what we think is the problem – maybe someone being late or speaking over us – is actually the surface issue. Our need might be for respect, security, or feeling valued. When we address those deeper needs, we solve problems at their root. I was stopped in my tracks when I was complaining about something I was unhappy with at work when a colleague simply asked me “what do you need instead”. It really made me think about adopting a clearer approach to focus on what I needed and not what I didn’t want.
NVC is effective because you are being honest without being harsh. You’re not suppressing your feelings or pretending everything is fine. You’re inviting connection rather than defensiveness.
Getting started with NVC
It’s best to start small. Think about a recent conversation that didn’t go as well as you’d hoped and:
- Identify what you observed
- Recognise how you felt
- Work out what need wasn’t being met
- State what you could have requested instead
You can also use this framework to plan upcoming conversations that you’re nervous about. By thinking through the four steps beforehand, you’ll feel more confident and be more likely to have a productive discussion.
Remember, you don’t need to get everything perfect straight away. Like any new skill, NVC takes practice. But even small shifts can make a significant difference in your relationships.
Everyone benefits when you use NVC
NVC doesn’t just improve individual conversations – it creates a ripple effect. When you start communicating using the 4 steps, others often respond in kind. You model a different way of having difficult conversations which can transform the entire dynamic in your workplace or family.
Learning this new approach could really help you stop avoiding those tough conversations.
Getting support
It can be hard to identify your needs or change the way you communicate so if you’d appreciate some support with this do get in touch. I offer a free initial conversation to talk about how coaching can help you change your relationships and yourself.
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