Six years ago, I sat in a small counselling room feeling disappointed as I finished a series of sessions.  I questioned whether the sessions had helped as I still felt “wobbly” – prone to tears and feeling low.  What I didn’t realise was that this was simply another stepping stone on my journey of self-awareness.

During that final session, my counsellor suggested I read “The Compassionate Mind” by Paul Gilbert. It was an eye-opener and made me more self aware of that negative voice in my head. I discovered that I judged myself  – a lot!

While the formal counselling ended, my self-discovery continued. What I’ve learned since recovering from stress-related illness is that self-compassion isn’t just a nice idea – it’s essential for wellbeing.

The Critical Voice in our Heads

We all have that inner self-talk that follows us around, commenting on everything we do. For many of us, this voice can be surprisingly brutal – saying things we would never dream of saying to someone we care about.

Does this sound familiar?

“You should have done it that way.” “Everyone else finds this easy.” “You’ve failed again – typical.”

You may not be aware that this inner critic voice is there but once you stop and pay attention you will notice it.  Some people find it is really loud and persistent.

The Self-Compassion Alternative

Self-compassion is all about changing the way you relate to yourself when you make mistakes or life gets tough.

As Dr. Kristin Neff explains: “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings.”

This shift might seem simple, but if you’ve had years of being self judgmental, it does take some practice.

A 5 minute exercise

Here’s a quick but powerful exercise to begin reshaping your inner dialogue:

Step 1: Catch the Critic

Think about something you’ve been criticising yourself for recently. Write down exactly what your inner critic says about this situation.

Step 2: Feel the Impact

Notice what happens in your body when you hear these words. Does your chest tighten? Do your shoulders hunch? Just observe these sensations without judgment.

Step 3: Create Distance

Rephrase what your critic said, but start with “I’m having the thought that…” This tiny shift creates space between you and the thought, helping you see it as just that – a thought, not a truth.

Step 4: The Compassion Swap

Ask yourself: “What would I say to my best friend if they were in this exact situation?” Write down the words you would use.

Step 5: Your New Script

Create a new self-compassionate statement that acknowledges both the difficulty of the situation and your humanity. Examples might be:

“This is challenging, and it makes sense that I’m struggling. Everyone finds this difficult sometimes. I can learn from this experience.”

Practice saying this to yourself whilst you imagine an incident when you might have been talking to yourself unkindly.

Building a New Habit

The key to transforming your inner dialogue isn’t perfection – it’s persistence. Changing your habitual responses won’t necessarily be easy. Try setting reminders with compassionate phrases or creating visual cues to give you a nudge – perhaps a post-it note on the side of your screen?

Practice talking to yourself compassionately after the next 3 events where you would normally hear you inner critic.

Remember, changing your relationship with yourself influences everything – how you handle stress, how you connect with others, and how you experience life. I found myself being less judgemental of others as well as myself once I started to catch my inner critic.

Reach out for Help

If you’re finding it particularly challenging to shift that harsh inner voice, reaching out for support can make all the difference. Sometimes we need an external perspective to help us find our own. That’s part of why having a coach can be transformative.

If you’d like to explore how I can help you feel happier and more fulfilled in your life, please get in touch for a complimentary coaching session where we can start to unpack what is going on for you.

What’s one small way you could show yourself more compassion today?

 

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